Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
