Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize