Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
