we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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