he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
