I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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