I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
