I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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