the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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