My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
