Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
