I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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