If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
