is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
