I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
