i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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