So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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