Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
