I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
