The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
