I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
