Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize