My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
should my penis look like a turkey
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
