I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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