don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize