She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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