You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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