It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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