pop tarts are not kleenex
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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