I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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