Dignity is for republicans.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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