My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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