she woke up with a sticky ear
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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