Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
