I wish I could teleport
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
