just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
