the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
