You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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