i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
