theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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