I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
