he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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