What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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