Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
