you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize