I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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