I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
