Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
