I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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