What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
