Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drunk is not a location!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
