Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize