I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
