im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
