I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
