no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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