Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
