Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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