just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize