Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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