paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
