I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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